My post on acceptance — something I never thought I’d write but, in the end, my heart had other plans — turned out to be one of the most popular to date. And, while I strongly urge everyone to read it, it occurs to me that this is a “How to…” site and that, if I’m doling out demands like ‘accept yourself’, I need to be backing it up with practical advice.
For most people, I think, acceptance isn’t something that comes naturally. It usually has to be worked at, and it’s an ongoing process. I went through a period in my life of really struggling with it. I mean, I still struggle, but it was a particularly bad time. And then, with a little outside help, I had a lightbulb moment.
It came one day when I was bemoaning my weirdness to a female acquaintance. It was all, “I’m so different. I don’t like the same things other people my age like. I prefer reading to going out drinking and socialising. I prefer staying at home to traveling the world. I prefer being alone to being in company. I prefer…” Etc. Etc. On and on I went, pouring out everything I’d struggled with. Everything I thought made me “abnormal”. Everything I thought was holding me back.
She listened patiently. And then, when I was done, she asked me something that was a figurative slap in the face — “So what?”
I’d expected the usual, “Why don’t you try going out just once a week?” Or, “Why don’t you organise something with your friends?” Or even, “What kinda weirdo doesn’t want to see the world?” Instead, I got more of a, “So you know what you like. Boo hoo for you.”
It wasn’t said in a nasty way so, though it was a shock to my system, it immediately opened my eyes to the fact that wanting different things and thinking different thoughts just makes you that — different. It doesn’t make you “less”.
Just because you don’t like the same things others like, just because you don’t act the same way others act, just because someone seems to be more successful than you… None of these things mean you’re not good enough.
There will always be someone “better off” than you. You could earn a billion [insert your currency here], but there’d always be someone earning a billion and one. You could have eleventy thousand friends; there’d always be someone with eleventy-one thousand. You could have the finest locks in all the land; there’d always be some Rapunzel somewhere. (I know, I know, you’re thinking, ‘Way to rub it in, Laura.’)
“So what?”
Stop comparing yourself. There are also plenty of people less well off than you. Does your brain ever give them a look-in? Nope. Every time you find that you’re comparing yourself to someone else, stop and compare yourself to someone worse off. You’re not a homeless leper with bad breath so, all things considered, you’re doing pretty well for yourself.
How many times do we revere someone and think they’ve got their shit together, only to find out they’re addicts or in bad relationships or just generally very unhappy? And even if someone does seem to have their shit together and be incredibly happy, who’s to say how long that will last? We all go through peaks and troughs.
We can never know what’s going on in another person’s life. I’ve told good friends how much I envy them, only to be told the same in return! To an outsider, or even someone close to me, it might seem like I have a perfect life. I’m reasonably well educated, I’m happily married with a beautiful daughter, and I have people in my life who care about me. I have a good career and plenty of little side-line gigs that keep me going. And this site is doing quite well. Jealous yet?
I’m also afraid of the dark. If my husband’s away, I have to sleep with the light on because I have an overactive imagination and have seen one too many horror movies in my time. I frequently feel stressed and overwhelmed, sometimes (though, thankfully, rarely) to the point of having a panic attack. I avoid social interaction not just because I’m hugely introverted, but also because I’m afraid I’ll say or do something stupid and make myself look like a fool. I take things to heart, and any criticism or harsh words usually have me crying myself to sleep. I also have stretchmarks, straw-like hair, and an appallingly poor grasp of science and geography. And history.
“So what?”
There’s that age-old saying that, if everyone threw their problems in a pot and then had to pick one, they’d be lucky to get their own back. This touches the truth of the matter for me. No matter how bad I feel, I’d never want to swap lives with someone else. Yes, I have problems, but they’re my own. I can deal with them.
You may be more glamorous than I. You may have a better car, or a bigger house, or a fatter paycheque. You may have more followers on Instagram. But that doesn’t mean you’re happier or healthier. It doesn’t mean you have fewer problems. It doesn’t mean you’re more respected or you’ll live longer. It doesn’t mean your friends are more loyal and sincere or your family are more loving. At the end of the day, it doesn’t mean jack shit.
Please remember that when you’re struggling to accept yourself. Not everyone is better than you, and not everyone is living a charmed life. Their successes aren’t your failures.
Your struggles make you stronger, not weaker. Your quirks make you cute, not abnormal. You only lack faith in yourself now because you know you’re destined for bigger and better things. You are different. Beautifully so. If we all sang off the same hymn sheet all the time, we’d quickly get sick of the song. Sometimes you’ll tremble like a tenor, and sometimes you’ll soar like a soprano. Both times you’ll be shit hot.
So repeat after me:
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